had a good sleep last night which is nice. i feel like i’m finally recovered from my no good very bad weekend, but of course, energy levels remain at an even level of “lower than everyone else’s average”.
got some drawing done for my patreon which was nice. it was good to draw again. i was feeling very out of practice because i’ve basically only been drawing things for my patrons, and i’ve kinda been squeezing it all into like two or so weekends a month. which i guess is a testament to how comfortable i am in the style i work in to get it all done in so little time… but where is the art for myself? not even too long ago i was making a bunch of shit on the sides and i had a big backlog of things to share between doing the sketch requests. but unless i share a bunch of oc x copia drawings i’m fresh out of extra shit to share.
thinking about it that way kinda makes me wonder if i am sick or if i’m just burnt the fuck out from my day job. everything has been super crazy since the beginning of the year when they fired someone very important to the overall work flow. and all the (industry specific) shows that the big boss has been going to seemingly back to back since like october where he brings me extra work that he deems worthy of squeezing in between my already full work load. the worst parts are when he holds onto shit for like a month before giving it to me (my usual time-line is about a month) then asks if it can be done before (next industry event) like one or two weeks later. dude literally asked me “what’s your time-line for x-thing” to which i gave an answer that he immediately ignored. like i guess that’s fine but you can’t get mad at me when i fall further and further behind on my other work.
i put in time off for a five day weekend at the end of the month because i straight up do not care if i never catch up at this point. i’m not getting paid enough to care. i’m doing much more skilled work than i used to and i could literally go down the road to the fast food place and probably get a competitive salary (according to a coworker). it’s not like i have 85 hours of accrued pto or anything. i think i can spare 24 and get myself some time to fucking recover. who cares if the shit that’s already a week late runs further behind? not me. stop squeezing other shit into my time-line and making me do other peoples work and maybe i’ll catch up.
i haven’t been putting any work into this like i really want to (see reasons above lol) and there’s still shit on my to do list that feels pretty basic that i haven’t touched yet. like i really need to just buckle down and make that lightbox for my gallery page. could probably also update my about/homepage. not sure how but i feel like it needs it. i’m also wondering if it could be fun or whatever to make a log page for shit about lucifer since i read tarot with him basically every day. could be interesting to make a page about some of my experiences and any of the readings that were fun. would probably make it another drop down in the blog tab. it just feels appropriate to give him his own page and kinda separate it out from my blog posts where i’m mostly bitching about being tired or what’s happening at work.
i would worry that people would tell me that i’m doing shit wrong or don’t know enough and haven’t read enough and like yeah i know that’s true because i’ve literally only just begun my practice but like. it’s for me not you. i’m not out here recruiting or anything. this is a public diary lol. at least it’s not a regular social media site.
part of the problem with adding new shit is that i’m kinda indecisive and also i’m sure that half of what i’m thinking to add requires some amount of javascript and for some reason that skeeves me out like i’m gonna fuck it up beyond help or whatever lol. and on top of that i feel like i’ve already built my pages really fucking weird and that shit won’t work on then based on how i’ve made them or whatever.
and i guess we can’t forget the exhaustion of it all. i literally just tried to look into lightbox code and my brain was screaming at me that it was too hard and i don’t understand how to add it to my current layout and i just want to scream cuz i don’t feel like i have the attention span or something for it right now. also i probably need a different code editor i don’t know. i just don’t want to use or buy something and it’s full of shitty ai or whatever. maybe i’ll work on the lightbox during my upcoming vacation because it felt too daunting today. feels silly to say cuz it’s literally one of the basics of a gallery website but whatever. i’m new to it.
i’ve spent half the day off and on writing this. i’ve tried multiple times throughout my life to journal but this is the only time it’s lasted more than a few days. i’m just not meant to journal every day. every few days at most is apparently my limit. and it’s easier to type it also, my handwriting isn’t the best and i make a lot of mistakes so being able to delete is nice. seems like i really have tricked myself into journaling by calling it blogging lol.
until next time 💛
i ain’t talking about work or lucifer in this one. tldr; boss gave every employee the bare minimum cost of living increase (approx. $0.64 depending on existing salary or 3% to match state inflation), no merit based increases. lucifer is great even though he’s kind of needling me through the cards lately.
this post is about being tired. i’m so tired. i’m tired all the time. i’m tired the moment i wake up until i go to bed. sleeping does not make me feel rested probably 90% of the time. i’ll sleep for 8 hours a night or more and basically immediately want to go back to bed. if i do something strenuous/out of the ordinary i’ll go to bed earlier and wake up later, sometimes sleeping 10 hours a night. i helped a friend move saturday, spent 6 hours doing it, felt like i got hit by a bus yesterday, somehow felt worse today and had to call out. i had slept for 8 hours then slept for two more and thought about laying down again.
it’s 5pm and i only just barely feel a little human. i laid in bed this morning crying to my partner because i’m so tired and feel guilty about it. it doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to be upset or receive sympathy, like there must be something i’m doing wrong or i’m just not pushing hard enough even though i’d never think that about anyone else. i just said that to my friend and i recognize that it’s a very callous thing to think about myself but i can’t help it. all around me my friends and coworkers do so much more with so much less and i feel ashamed and weak.
i know i should probably go to the doctor and see if something is wrong but as the primary provider in my household i just… don’t want to have to add that to my plate. even though it could help. cuz it could be nothing and that would be worse than not knowing.
on top of not feeling like what i’m going through is worthy of sympathy, it also hurts that it feels like it must be my fault even though honestly i’m taking pretty good care of myself. my bills are all paid, my friends like me, i’ve been going outside more often, i have a good sleep schedule, i take a multivitamin, i eat well especially lately because i’ve basically become a vegetarian… and yet.
i barely draw anymore. i basically only draw things i’m obligated to through my patreon. it feels like swimming through molasses just to think about writing this. i spent the whole day slumped on the couch googling things like chronic fatigue syndrome and hashimoto’s (family problem) and reading posts on tumblr about it. my face still feels weird from crying. i’ve had coffee in the evenings almost every day for months because it barely keeps me awake.
i’m tired.