so i’m about a month and a half into my patreon hiatus, which has also essentially become an art hiatus. and for a bit that’s fine, i definitely needed time to rest with no obligations or pressure even from myself. but as we’re creeping through july i’ve found myself feeling bored, restless, unable to focus. i didn’t replace my drawing time with a new hobby for the most part. i have read a bit more and managed to convince myself to watch a show that i’ve been itching to but was having autism paralysis about (iykyk), but mostly i’ve just spent my time watching more youtube or fucking scrolling. and none of this has lead to better inspiration.
i’ve painted three times in the past month and a half, once with oil and twice with gouache, and all of them were mediocre as expected. but it was nice to do, especially because all three of them were environments with only one figure. i feel generally frustrated with my habit of only ever drawing figures and i think that’s part of my problem with approaching art again because i’m not great at backgrounds but don’t want to continue only drawing figures. i’ll figure that part out at some point. at the beginning of june i’d drawn some copia doodles digitally to try and draw in any style but my own, and those were also mediocre. today i drew something digitally, a pseudo self portrait, about how i’ve felt lately. i’m sure it’s at least a little relatable to someone who views it.
i continue to be too online. i’m too on my phone. and what sucks is that getting off-line would mean being uninformed about shit. but what sucks about being online is being informed about shit. there’s no winning i don’t think. you either know and burn your brain or get surprised without having a chance to do something. sometimes doing something feels like fucking nothing anyway…
also, fuck it, if you read my blog you can email me at thebirdzone@proton.me i’d love to start snail mailing strangers for enrichment.
it’s only been three days since i’ve closed my patreon and i was 100% correct that i needed to do that. it’s been three weeks since i’ve updated my blog or even thought of anything to add to my website. in those three weeks it felt like my brain was melting straight out of my ears for many reasons. some of them work reasons, some of them current event reasons, the thoughts i had about closing my patreon, my struggle with my art and creativity that’s come to a screeching halt as i wound down for the month. and to be blunt, i am in fact addicted to my damn phone. i gotta admit it, it’s not just the internet, it’s the small version of it that i can hold in my hands and turn my brain off while looking at in bed or in the morning before work or during work with any amount of downtime when i’m not being observed. i gotta get off my damn phone.
i think in the coming weeks as i settle into not having an art routine of other peoples ideas to draw i’ll probably find a better balance of how to use the phone. part of it will probably be that i won’t be posting with hopes of more engagement so i won’t be checking notifications. there’s still stuff to post but it doesn’t really have anywhere to go now, there’s no goal other than it was posted to patreon so i’m posting it publicly. though i am considering setting limits for myself with whatever screentime type of apps my phone may have if anything. but i’d probably have to do something like that manually for my desktop browser; my other addiction lol.
over the next few weeks i should sit down and really pretty up this site, get it a little better organized—the blog pages especially—maybe post some of my newer pieces of art to the gallery. the blog for sure needs to be better cuz i feel like it’s clunky and easy to forget to make a new page for a new month (and no i’m not doing it tonight cuz it’s 9:30pm and i should be getting ready for bed since i get up at stupid o’clock for work whatever that’s this weekend me’s problem). should probably make some categories for my gallery too, since i’m getting back into painting. oh yeah i’m getting back into painting. gotta get my art brain to think about different things and get back into fundamentals.
there’s so many things i’ve wanted to do for it that i’ve just been ignoring because my brain has that “no you can’t do that with other things due” mentality that i just do not have as an excuse anymore. nothing’s due. i can fuck around and learn more shit. i could even re-loan that fucking html book that i didn’t even open before having to return to the library after i finish the fantasy book i took out on impulse. at the very least i should make a list of some shit i want to do and then plan out how i want to do them so i’m not just staring at the editor not knowing what the fuck i’m doing.
hell let’s make a list here:
there, a list of things that i want to do in this moment that i will probably still flounder on even with the open time i have now. sorry if you read this and it was near incomprehensible stream of consciousness, i’m trying to get my brain to stop being soup all the damn time in response to living a fairly normal and uneventful life while being autistic and depressed lol thank you for reading if you did tho 💛